Daddy

As some of you may or may not know I lost my father in December. Getting closer to a year without him….but not a day gone by where I haven’t thought of him or cried for him.

I don’t know how to carry on really. I hold on to a smile and pretend that I am ok….but to be really honest I am just holding it together. So close to cracking, but I am worried if I do, if I open that gate I won’t be able to close it again.

For so long I have been able to focus my pain on the hurt and injustice I felt towards….her… that is all I have been able to focus on. It is coming to an end, closer and closer and I am beginning to worry about where that will leave me when I no longer have that to concentrate on. I am worried it is going to leave me open for…..I don’t know? But I am scared.

It is not that I enjoy the bitterness and asking the same questions over and over. (Why did she do this, why didn’t she call, why didn’t she love us, why didn’t she think of my father?)but for the last 9 months that is what I have known. That is what I have been able to focus on. Been able to focus on anything other than the fact he is truly gone. I can’t focus on that, I can’t think about that, I can’t handle that.

I can’t really grasp the fact that he is gone forever. As soon as those thoughts start to enter my mind I lose my vision, my throat starts stinging and it is hard to breathe.

I wonder if this is normal? Would other daughters feel this way? How long will it be like this? Forever? Until I meet my end?

I can’t forget those final moments of my father’s life. I held his hand praying for some miracle! Praying to wake from this nightmare because it felt anything but real! I was there but I wasn’t. I was a robot running on autopilot. I held his hand tight hoping it would keep him with me, hoping he could feel me there and find the strength within himself to hold on….to take that breath.

He didn’t…he couldn’t. But I held his hand and I hope he felt me there. I hope he knew I was there with him in his final moments.

I wish I knew if he was ok…if he hurt…if he is around me. Sometimes I think he is near but often wonder if it is my imagination. The wishful thinking of a lost daughter. I beg each night before I fall asleep for him to come to me in my dreams…to give me a sign that he is still out there, that he is waiting for me somewhere.

I want my Daddy and I am afraid I always will and life will never be the same…I will never be ok again.

G'Day

G’Day Everyone.

No time to post (again) Will do one…hopefully tomorrow. I have stuff to talk about.

We went to the cottage in buckhorn this weekend. Had a great time…will write about that later (and of course share some pictures).

Also news on my Dads stuff (keeping my fingers crossed that it will be done soon)

And I will share some pictures now of my friend Jenny’s baby I took this weekend. I am very pleased with myself and how they turned out.

It was such a joy to see Jenny in her new role as Mother. She was some calm and relaxed and just had such a peaceful air about her (very unlike me when I first became a mom) I am so happy to see her and her little guy…I think it is a good thing.

Tanna

Funny Kids

Ok I think I can admit this now or have finally come to the realization myself. I have been slacking. Slacking on myself. You know when you get to that place where you feel comfortable with your significant other that you stop trying? You know…who needs to wear make-up? Why should I brush my hair?

Well I hit that spot. It wasn’t just because I was comfortable with Matt (which I totally am and I know how much he loves me and is attracted to me) But it had a whole lot to do with how I felt about myself. I just didn’t want to bother anymore. So much has happened this last year….so much life changing (maybe I need counselling crap) has happened this year that I didn’t want to try. It wasn’t important to look good. Well…I was wrong.

As you go down that path and start caring less and less about how you look you start liking yourself less and less. At least for me. I wasn’t happy with what was happening to me and I didn’t know who I was anymore?

It is amazing what a little make-up and self care can do for your self esteem. You walk a little taller (not easy when you are 4’ 11) you have a bit more bounce in your step. A little more confidence in who you are.

Ok now I am sure you guys are wondering what this has to do with funny kids. Well last week I put on some eye liner (first time in ages) Also I wore contacts (usually I have glasses on). Evelynn watched me do my make-up and was amazed. She wanted to touch my eye lashes and thought I looked pretty. Off I went to work not thinking much of it other than I was trying to look more presentable…putting in an effort. Well after work we had Evelynn’s fun fair/meet the teacher night. Walking down the hall with Evelynn she sees her gym teacher. So first thing Evelynn does and say Mrs Blank (not her real name hehe) this is my mom! Isn’t she pretty she put on make-up today! (doh smack myself on the head and feel pretty embarrassed) I realized then that it must have been a while. It was a pretty big deal to Evelynn and I felt bad that I don’t put in as much effort as I used to. What example am I showing Evelynn? OK I know this can be taken the wrong way. I know it is a good example to show her to be comfortable with herself and that she doesn’t need make-up to feel beautiful. I get that. It is understood. But what I want to show her is that it is just as important to do things that do make “you” feel beautiful (whether it be wearing make-up or doing your nails or working out at the gym) As mothers we tend to start caring less about ourselves somewhere along the way and more about everyone else. We buy our kids and husbands clothes and try to make them look good…because it is a reflection on us. But why oh why do we not stop and think and try to make ourselves look good?? Isn’t that the biggest reflection of all?

Growing Up Before my Eyes

I just want to take a moment…step away from the hectic schedule. I want to take a moment and see Evelynn. I want to take her in…because this moment is almost gone. I can feel it. I see her on the cusps right now. The cusps of little girl and little lady.

I want to hold her hand in mine for a little bit longer. Her hand may now almost be the size of mine but she still wants to hold it. She still automatically reaches her hand up to find mine when we are walking. How can I hold onto this moment?

Mother after Mother I am sure has asked this…have tried to savour these years. Have tried to find one way or another to make it last just a little bit longer….to squeeze all there is out of this. But they can’t…they couldn’t.
I need to enjoy right now because right now she still wants to sit on my lap. Right now she wants to cuddle with me on the couch. Right now I know a whole lot. Right now I am beautiful. Right now I am the best Mommy in the world and right now I can feel her growing up.

I took this picture last week. This was the picture that made me open my eyes and realize how soon this is going to be over. How soon my little cutie pie girl is going to be a little lady. I can see her changing right before my eyes. I see it as I stare at this picture.

What is a Mother to do? It is wonderful to see these changes but it’s scarier than anything! I am not ready for this! I push her to be more independent and do things herself for herself…but now I just want to take it all back! I want to do it for her I want her to need me I want her to be little for a little bit longer.

What is a Mother to do?

Busy as a Bumble Bee

Matt and I (and my parents) have been extremely busy. It is a lot of work trying to get a house ready to be sold. Plus looking at houses, and finding out prices and costs and estimates it is exhausting!! Also very exciting!

So we have been really busy working on the basement. That is the area that needs the most work. As it stands when I left for work this morning most of the laundry room was tiled. Although it is the tricky stuff that is mostly left to do…the measuring and cutting parts. I hope that a lot will be done by time I come home. Matt has the morning off and is working with my stepdad to get as much finished as possible.

We are hoping to be able to have the house ready to list by the end of the weekend. I think that is very optimistic but would love to be able to have it up, and put in an offer on the house we want.

So I am utterly exhausted! Both physically and mentally. I know I can’t complain because I have brought it on myself. I was the one that wanted to move, I needed a bigger home, I was ready. So forward we go. Hopefully we have some good luck and everything works to our favour. Ohhh there I go being optimistic again! hehe

Progress is a Step in the Right Direction

So a little progress on the moving/getting the house ready. Last night my parents came into town with the truck so I could use it to get some…larger supplies that won’t fit into our vehicle. Like trim for the ceiling in the kitchen and the dreaded Fake wood panelling!!!

Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be buying ugly fake wood panelling again! The joy I felt when we were tearing it off the walls before! Ripping it down and breaking it and sending it off to live out its days on a farm. Ohhh yes it felt good and I am not ashamed to admit it.

However….now that we must sell the house and make it look….somewhat presentable, the panelling must come back. Not all of it…just the parts that close a room back up. Of course it is impossible to find a match on 30 plus year old panelling so that means we are going to have to paint what is there so it all matches and looks…pretty. (Is that even possible??)

Let’s progress now. So it has come to my realization that we are getting much much closer to being able to list now. Sure there is still a ton of work to do but it seems as though it is all starting to come together. We have the supplies now (other then the ceiling tiles but we know where to get them so no problem there). All we need is the time to actually get this stuff done. If we work really hard I can see it being ready in a couple of weeks!!! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! (That is a little squeal and Evelynn does it too) I am sooooooo excited!!

Still…after all the work is done someone still needs to love the house enough to buy it. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that all this extra work and money will be worth it in the end.

My House is a Home

Thought I would share some pictures of my house. I know that I myself love love looking at other peoples homes. I am nosey that way :)

How goes it?

I know that is the question on everyone’s lips. I am sure curiosity is getting to you and you are dying to know…how goes it.

Not to worry a moment longer..I will not disappoint and I will let you know how goes it.

So this weekend we were plenty busy. There were houses to see, work to be done and family to visit. Matt and I are amazing at being able to fit a ton of stuff in a little bit of time. This is a trait I am just beginning to notice/appreciate. I never realized until I started writing about what I did this week or that….ya no wonder I am always tired hehe

Friday we were lucky to have off work. We were busy though. We dropped Evelynn off at school and then headed to Home Depot. We had to get prices on flooring and paint and trim and a door I thought might look nice but took like 20 precious minutes of my time just to find out it was too much money!!! (breathe) Then to a rental store to rent a pump and carpet stretcher and to Rona for more pricing and then home to pick my mom up and see more houses.

Look at three houses, then grab lunch then start to work.

Matt was able to get all the water out of the pond and we have fixed up the garden there. Now we just need to find a pump for the pond to make the waterfall work and then someone will buy our house!! Or not….

We cleaned and touched up paint and stretched carpet and organized cupboards and drawers!! Organized cupboards and drawers!~ Now you know I am serious about this house selling business…otherwise why organize drawers?! Hmmm I know the potential home of mine buyer is going to look in my medicine cabinet and be sold because I have it so organized! That will be the selling feature! Who wouldn’t want to buy a house that has an organized medicine cabinet?! Exactly!

On top of all that my cousin and my Nana came for a visit. Had a great time with Andrea. She always makes me laugh. She certainly got the funny gene. Nana makes me laugh too…just in a different way…a way that sometimes makes me feel bad about myself for laughing. Don’t judge...I know you all have laughed at an old person once or twice!

Also…(yes of course there was more to fit in) it was our one year wedding anniversary this weekend. Matt and I being the fancy people we are (remember organized medicine cabinet!!) went to the movies for our anniversary. Not only did we see one movie we saw two!!! Ohh yeah baby!! Two movies in one day!! Can you believe how crazy that is?!

So ya…busy productive weekend…and I wont even mention the sky diving.

Bubbling Over

Excitement! I am bubbling over! I can hardly contain myself!

Matt and I have decided we needed a bigger house. (more like Matt has finally agreed with me) All week we have been looking at new bigger homes (YEAH) and getting ours ready for the listing.

How exciting is this! How scary! The list seems endless of what to do to make someone fall in love with our home. Really how did we ever like it? Is it so bad that no one could possibly see themselves living there? I know it is all about staging and first impressions. I know that there will be a couple much like we were and see the potential in our place….but how long will that take? I am ready to move on…but how long will this take? I have never had to sell a house before…being a first time buyer is much easier.

One thing I hate about looking for the perfect house is the pressure I feel. When you do see the one you think you could spend forever in you feel so much pressure that someone is going to come along and scoop it up before you have time to blink. You want to jump on it and lay claim. Tattoo your name all over it and confess your love from the rooftops. But what if the pressure is what makes you fall in love with it? The thought that someone could get it before you make up your mind makes you want it? I think that is what happened with the house we are in. I felt the pressure and I bit. So worried was I that I may lose a house that I may want that I took it so I wouldn’t! Does that make sense?

So how do I know now if I actually want it or if I am worried someone else will get it before I make up my mind?

I hate making decisions; I am always worried I will make the wrong one. I like to chew on ideas until they lose their flavour…but in house buying you don’t get that luxury. The longer you chew the more likely someone is going to order porterhouse.

Keep moving

As usual I planned on blogging much sooner…but then life got in the way hehehe

So until I have time to write more I will post some of my newest pictures for your enjoyment…because I know so many come here for enjoyment hehe

So these pictures were taken last Thursday on my photo walk. It is a weekly photo walk I do with other people who are interested in photography. It is nice. We go out to different locations and take pictures and share. I enjoy it and I really enjoy seeing what other people have taken pictures of. It is interesting to see how we each can see the same object somewhat differently.

Anyway…enjoy!