Five and a half

Dear Evelynn,

I wish I started writing letters to you sooner. Once a month from when you were born. I see lots of moms do that and I really wish I had. It is a wonderful way to keep track of your progress and growth. So easy do, we forget the little things. How our minds fog with time.

I want to be able to answer your questions when you are older about what you did at what age and what you were like as a little girl. I hope I can. I will do my best and that is all you can ask from anyone and especially yourself. Always do your best.

There are letters I wrote you in your baby book. Nothing regularly but at least they are there.

Five and a half…five and a half. Amazing. My once little bundle of sweet baby in my arms is five and a half. I am speechless. There is so much I wish to tell you but I am utterly speechless with the specialness of you and this wonderful age. I do long for my baby girl but I am excited for the changes I see in you my darling daughter. The little independent person you are. Each day is new and wonderful and to get to see the world through your innocent eyes is one of the greatest gifts.

I know that Mothers and Daughters have a special bond, but I would like to think that ours is more special then any other before us. The closeness I feel to you and the unconditional love takes my breath away sometimes. How did I get sooo lucky? I know I must be doing something right with you.

You tell me I am your best friend and my wish is for that to never change. You say ‘Mom I can tell you anything right?’ my answer is always the same, ‘Always Evelynn, always”.

We have so much fun together and I am glad your interest are growing and maturing. We play board games and cards which are one of my favourite things to do and to get to share that with you and pass on the love of gaming with you is a wonderful experience. I know that there will be many nights full of laughter and cards as the years go by, as you turn into a woman and have your own children.

You love school. You are in senior kindergarten which means you only go every other day. You hate nonschool days. I think that is awesome and hope for you to always have a love and joy for learning. Education is a key that can unlock many doors for you in your future. I will try to always encourage you to do your best and be your best. I know you can do it.

You are my perfectionist. How you get frustrated when you are unable to do something on your first try. You are starting to learn that practice makes perfect. Often you say it before I get a chance to. If you are doing something and start to get frustrated you catch yourself now and say, “That’s ok right Mom? Practice makes perfect and I will get it the more I try right?” Could it be that my lessons are sinking in? I just hope that I can teach you the right ones.

I find it hard to believe I am your mother. I have this huge responsibility that weighs heavy on me. It is not a burden by any means, just something I am aware of and of course nervous that I am not going to do it right.

I know in the end the most important thing to give you is love and love you have plenty of. Not a day or hour goes by when we are together that I don’t tell you I love you or let you know how special you are to me. You do the same thing to me and darling…it is wonderful to hear those words (no matter how many times a day you say it).

Love Mommy

From the Corner of my eye

IS it possible? Is this real? Can i really be starting my blog up again?

I don’t know why I stopped…I think the problem was I felt too busy and it became too much of an effort for me to keep it up. Lazy in other words.

I am going to look at this as an adventure. It is something I want to do, but when the point comes that it feels like a chore I will stop. I won’t put pressure on myself to write everyday, to have something interesting or exciting to write about. Just let it be what it is. What it is I don’t really know….but for now I will let it be with no demands on myself and hopefully just enjoyment of sharing my thoughts, day to day life and pictures.

I am not a writer. I don’t have to put a label on myself or an expectation for this to be something more than what it is. A Diary essentially. I didn’t realize that until I found this again (after months of thinking about it and searching for it) to read about my life, things that happened three years ago. Things I forgot about. It was a laugh, it was emotional and it was a journey. It amazes me how you can forget. How things seem like they will never change and one day you blink and they have. You don’t notice when you are going through the change or changes, just one day you realize you are not who you were yesterday. I believe it is vital for everyone to change. It is part of human nature. Evolution if you will. There is a song Lilly Allen sings called ‘Everybody’s Changing” that I really like. There is a line in the song that goes “Everybody’s changing and I don’t know why”. I used to feel that way myself until I realized that it is important to change and to grow as a person and as a society. It is hard to accept the fact that we all change and when people around us change it is hard not to feel hurt.

I think finding my old blog made me realize just how much I have changed. I am more comfortable with myself now and making myself happy. My focus is more on my family. Sure I was always focused on Evelynn but something about reading the old blog made me feel a little embarrassed and selfish. I can’t put my finger on it as to what exactly makes me feel that way about what I wrote. Maybe because I often wrote how I enjoyed the break from Evelynn and how it is nice to get a chance to live childfree. That is not how I feel now. Part of that changing eh?! I hate being away from Evelynn. I don’t want the breaks and my heartaches when she is not with me. When she goes to England it is like torture. No longer do I look forward to weeks of freedom. I fall into a depression and count the hours and minutes until she will be home in my arms again.

I am looking forward to keeping this blog going. April I need to thank you for helping me to find it. I think it is going to be good for me….I already feel better just writing this entry. A sense of excitement as to what may come next, what else I might write about. Who knew eh? I look forward to growing and changing and having a record on it for me to look back on, to remember all the other me’s that are somewhere, I see them from the corner of my eye.

Tan