Dreaded Day

Tomorrow is a dreaded day.

Tomorrow is the day I will first walk into my father’s house since December. Tomorrow is when reality will hit. Tomorrow I will see his house empty. Tomorrow I will try to salvage what has been left for my brother and I.

I am completely aware that tomorrow is going to be almost as difficult as the day I lost him. Tomorrow will be real and all I can do is try to hold my wall up. I don’t want to crack.

Why am I like this? Why do I try so hard to hold it together? Why do I not want to show anyone me feelings and try to be the rock for everyone else? I don’t understand myself. I know it is ok to cry, I know people expect me to cry and be sad and upset and yet I try to hide it and I don’t understand why?

I am not looking forward to tomorrow.